Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.