Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
You Might Also Like
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
That eye roll….
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.