The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday