I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Jesus Christ lmao
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear