Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.