Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.