I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
This is my cat’s medicine.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before