brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?