We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
You Might Also Like
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Please don鈥檛 feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
February 27th, 2020.
I鈥檓 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
can鈥檛 imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig鈥檚 List?! You鈥檙e telling me I don鈥檛 have to do the laundry AND I鈥檓 making money?!
I鈥檝e been doing life all wrong.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister鈥檚 friends she wasn鈥檛 home it was so I didn鈥檛 have to take the phone to her.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
M: I鈥檓 gonna go relax
H: ok I鈥檓 gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.