I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Check out the legs on this baby
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot