“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
The funk soul brother
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom