Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You Might Also Like
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT