DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
🤣could you imagine
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language