Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me, in DM rooms…
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.