Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills