The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner