Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
one last job
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me