This pepper has seen some shit
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Dishonest mechanic?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Cake safety first. Always.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.