WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!