Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Children of the corn 🌽
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.