Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
You Might Also Like
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival