Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*weighs self after shaving
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.