*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.