This dude got his own movie?
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Harsh but fair
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.