Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.