Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?