JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.