I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
how was your vacation
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.