If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
This hospital has everything
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.