REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway