Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.