I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?