Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You Might Also Like
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.