Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
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3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
New mindset, who dis?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.