Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
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ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I’m Sold!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.