Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Overheard my daughter鈥檚 friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he鈥檚 embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
lost dog
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I鈥檇 like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn鈥檛, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
6: Dad, what鈥檚 the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you鈥檙e still alive.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.