when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You Might Also Like
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO