My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
You Might Also Like
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Imma just leave this here…………
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”