normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”