I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
wtf management?!
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?