#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Discuss
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.