establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Anyone really
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.