Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel