“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.