I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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cat vs inanimate object
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school