*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
You Might Also Like
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
A short story about romance.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason