He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Monday?
No. Next question.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato