How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*