1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.