One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
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At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Breaking news:
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Fights fire with marshmallows
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash